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A good girl

My whole life, I have lived in the shadow of someone else, because I have always thought that other people always deserve what I want. All my ambitions, dreams and hopes have probably been just as strong as other’s, but I simply didn’t think I deserved it as much as others did.

This is a very new discovery for me. I have been thinking about my audition in March at the Academy of Music in Oslo, and what I can change mentally to do my best. And then, it hit me like a rocket. I have never thought I deserved it. In my head there has always been someone who deserved it more. I have a friend who is two years older than me, and he also played the violin. He always played first violin, and I always second, even in the quartett we started together. I kept thinking that he deserved it more than I did because he practiced more, and he was older. When I started in highschool, (I think I have mentioned earlier that I went to a musical highschool where you learned different courses of music alongside the regular courses, but I say it again now to be sure.) he told me something I found very peculiar; “Now that you’re here, I have to practice twice as much to still be the best violinist in school.” What? He had always been the best of us, I was no threat to him. But throughout the year, I began to notice that I started to gain on him. He had a hard time improving his mistakes, and I was terrified of what he would think of me for being better than him. Would he hate me for it? Now he’s studying the viola instead, and has surpassed me again. He is very good, studying at the Conservatory of Music in Trondheim. I am very happy for him, but where does that leave me?

Now you probably think that I have a habit of comparing myself to everyone. That I search for the best ones, to compare myself to, and end up with a bad sense of self esteem in the process. And I do, it’s a really bad habit. I do compare myself to others a lot, but I don’t think I am the only one. I mean, we live in a world that is a uncompromising criticizer, and that continuously compare us to the best ones, it’s not absolutely absurd that I do the same.

My point is, last March I was at the audition to the Academy of Music in Oslo, and I didn’t get in, even though I was very close. It wasn’t because I didn’t practice enough, or because I was nervous. It was because, from June when I started to practice my repertoire, I didn’t think I deserved to get in. There were many applicants who were better than me, and who deserved it more.

It will be different this year. I am taking a year off to practice, to get into the Academy. I deserve to get in this year. I work hard. I take lessons with two teachers, and I have sessions with a tutor to advance in theory. I really do everything I can this year to get in. I read articles on practicing, I listen to a lot of music. I go to concerts with all the violinists worth seeing. I watch tons of masterclasses online, as well as musicians to inspire me. On pinterest I have a whole board dedicated to violin-practice. It’s my turn this year. I deserve to get in.

You probably think that I am a selfish and egocentric girl, or maybe I just imagine that you do. Maybe I am deep inside, but my whole lie I have made sure it doesn’t show. I have been the one who certainly can play second violin so others can show off on first violin. I was the one who gave the job of concertmaster to another girl, because she probably wanted it more than I. I never craved the soloist jobs, and I gave it up to someone else if I got it. I always tried to make others better instead of focusing in myself.

Now, I am working very hard to achieve my goals, and hard work should be paid, no matter who it concerns. I don’t see my self as an egocentric person, and the law of jante controls a lot of my decisions. but I am tired of it and I don’t want to let it control my any longer. It doesn’t exist for me anymore. When you deserve something, you should stick out your head and say it, because it is not garantueed that others see it.

Frost2

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Oh dear!

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I have been postponing this post for a long time now, and I still don’t really know what to write. I have written, deleted and rewritten this post so many times, I don’t even know what it is about anymore. After Christmas, I decided to take an unofficial break from blogging to focus on the violin. I had a big audition to the Norwegian Academy of Music, the place I have wanted to study for ten years. I didn’t get in, so I’ve been kind of numb ever since. I needed time to process, and that’s why I’ve been gone for so long. Now, in the other hand I’ve decided to take a year off to practice and get in next year. My teacher was in my jury, and he said I was really close, so I’m positive I’ll get in next year. Wish me luck. See you later!

Is music your life?

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Before I write this post, I will admit that I have no life at all, except being on the internet, listen to music an play music.

On the website Weheartit, I have seen so many text-pictures (Can I call them that?) that says my life is music. You have probably seen one of these too in your eternal travel through cyberspace.

I get a little curious when I see these pictures pop up everywhere. Maybe some of these people can become my best friend on the internet, so I click on their picture to see more of what they like; And I see this:

 And I faint!

I don’t someone like this to be my best friend!

So here is my point: What do these people really mean by; Music is my life!

Obviously, they listen to a lot of music, and they carry their Iphones around so they never need to be without it. The problem is that they don’t really listen to music, as I see it. Besides, I don’t really feel that listening to music makes it your life. People who listen a lot to music, usually have other interests too, like sports or art or math or buisness, or something along those lines. Which means, that music is not really their lives.

I can in all honesty say that music is my life. I don’t only listen to music I also play music, and just my little, bad guitar that my dad got me for Christmas. I play the violin, the piano and I sing, professionally. I get payed for what I do, and I haven’t even graduated highschool. No, I don’t have a weekly job as a musician, but it is my dream to do so. I want to finish musical highschool, go to the musical academy in Norway, Germany or in England, and my big dream in life is to play in London Philharmonic Orchestra, or become a great jazz-singer. Whatever comes first.  I practice the violin two hours a day, and I practice singing one hour a day, and the piano just come and goes, it’s not exactly my strongest suit, but I try. That makes three hours a day, and sometimes even more. This summer, my goal is to practice at least 24 hours a week, and so far it has been going great, because music simply is my life. If I don’t play, then I listen to music, or I listen to the pieces and songs I am practicing to get inspiration, and if I don’t do that, I write songs, or hang out on the internet. Still my social life is okay, and I spend a lot of time with friends and family, and I get good grades in school. It’s all about priority.

So that’s all I had to say for today. I hope I managed to maybe enlighten you,  or at least make you see this matter in an other perspective.

– So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good bye!

Switch lives with me!

You have seen it in movies like “Freaky Friday”, and “He’s the girl”. People who switch life, and it actually works out fine! Someone who wants to try that with real life? (I cannot believe I just used the phrase Real Life.)

I am eighteen year old girl who goes to a musical high school in Norway, and play the violin. I also sing, blog depressive posts on my blog. I live with the coolest girl in the universe, who happens to be sick and not so cool at the moment. I am also sick with sinusitis and the flue. My rehearsal examination is tomorrow, and I am not as prepared as I should be.

If you are interested in switching life with me, just take contact! I would be really interested no matter what kind of life you have. I just need some change.

(Note that I can say when we switch back, and you cannot.)

I am waiting for you! ;)

My fingers

What are you most afraid to loose, most afraid to hurt. I am not talking about another person, for that will not work.

The things I am most afraid to hurt are my hands. I think about all day, seven days a week. Not a day goes by without a worrying thought about my fingers (And my violin, but that is a different story)

The girl I live with, my best friend through everything asked if I want to come her on a ski-vacation, and she could teach me snowboarding. I wanted to go so bad, but I had to turn it down because of my fingers. I cannot loose them. Not even for a day.

The weather was quite mild last week, and now it is below 0 degrees again. The road is covered with ice like mirrors, and I am scared to go outside. What if I fall, and hurt my hands!

I do not think there is anything I can say that will make anyone understand how this is, but I will give it one more try. I do not know if you have heard, but America Ferrera’s  smile is insured for 10 000 American dollars, or so. I have honestly thinking about doing the same with my hands. I just have to find a way to get the money.

Nervousness!

Rehearsal examination on violin is coming up, and I am really nervous!

This year I will perform Mozart’s violinconcerto in g-major.

You can hear it here, if you want to. It is a wonderful piece, even though Mozart is not my favorite composer.

(Of course it is not me playing, but a great violinist named Yitzhak Perlman.)

The violin is okay!

The other day I had -1 minute to get from my violin lesson on the fourth floor, to the piano lesson down on ground floor. I was running on woolen socks on stone-steps in the stairs, and suddenly I slipped and hurt myself really bad.
When I finally reach the room where my lesson is, I explain everything to my teacher.

She asked if I were okay, and I replied quite happily. “Yes, the violin is okay!”