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A good girl

My whole life, I have lived in the shadow of someone else, because I have always thought that other people always deserve what I want. All my ambitions, dreams and hopes have probably been just as strong as other’s, but I simply didn’t think I deserved it as much as others did.

This is a very new discovery for me. I have been thinking about my audition in March at the Academy of Music in Oslo, and what I can change mentally to do my best. And then, it hit me like a rocket. I have never thought I deserved it. In my head there has always been someone who deserved it more. I have a friend who is two years older than me, and he also played the violin. He always played first violin, and I always second, even in the quartett we started together. I kept thinking that he deserved it more than I did because he practiced more, and he was older. When I started in highschool, (I think I have mentioned earlier that I went to a musical highschool where you learned different courses of music alongside the regular courses, but I say it again now to be sure.) he told me something I found very peculiar; “Now that you’re here, I have to practice twice as much to still be the best violinist in school.” What? He had always been the best of us, I was no threat to him. But throughout the year, I began to notice that I started to gain on him. He had a hard time improving his mistakes, and I was terrified of what he would think of me for being better than him. Would he hate me for it? Now he’s studying the viola instead, and has surpassed me again. He is very good, studying at the Conservatory of Music in Trondheim. I am very happy for him, but where does that leave me?

Now you probably think that I have a habit of comparing myself to everyone. That I search for the best ones, to compare myself to, and end up with a bad sense of self esteem in the process. And I do, it’s a really bad habit. I do compare myself to others a lot, but I don’t think I am the only one. I mean, we live in a world that is a uncompromising criticizer, and that continuously compare us to the best ones, it’s not absolutely absurd that I do the same.

My point is, last March I was at the audition to the Academy of Music in Oslo, and I didn’t get in, even though I was very close. It wasn’t because I didn’t practice enough, or because I was nervous. It was because, from June when I started to practice my repertoire, I didn’t think I deserved to get in. There were many applicants who were better than me, and who deserved it more.

It will be different this year. I am taking a year off to practice, to get into the Academy. I deserve to get in this year. I work hard. I take lessons with two teachers, and I have sessions with a tutor to advance in theory. I really do everything I can this year to get in. I read articles on practicing, I listen to a lot of music. I go to concerts with all the violinists worth seeing. I watch tons of masterclasses online, as well as musicians to inspire me. On pinterest I have a whole board dedicated to violin-practice. It’s my turn this year. I deserve to get in.

You probably think that I am a selfish and egocentric girl, or maybe I just imagine that you do. Maybe I am deep inside, but my whole lie I have made sure it doesn’t show. I have been the one who certainly can play second violin so others can show off on first violin. I was the one who gave the job of concertmaster to another girl, because she probably wanted it more than I. I never craved the soloist jobs, and I gave it up to someone else if I got it. I always tried to make others better instead of focusing in myself.

Now, I am working very hard to achieve my goals, and hard work should be paid, no matter who it concerns. I don’t see my self as an egocentric person, and the law of jante controls a lot of my decisions. but I am tired of it and I don’t want to let it control my any longer. It doesn’t exist for me anymore. When you deserve something, you should stick out your head and say it, because it is not garantueed that others see it.

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Oh dear!

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I have been postponing this post for a long time now, and I still don’t really know what to write. I have written, deleted and rewritten this post so many times, I don’t even know what it is about anymore. After Christmas, I decided to take an unofficial break from blogging to focus on the violin. I had a big audition to the Norwegian Academy of Music, the place I have wanted to study for ten years. I didn’t get in, so I’ve been kind of numb ever since. I needed time to process, and that’s why I’ve been gone for so long. Now, in the other hand I’ve decided to take a year off to practice and get in next year. My teacher was in my jury, and he said I was really close, so I’m positive I’ll get in next year. Wish me luck. See you later!

Saved by the Hobbit

December is everything but relaxing for a musician. I constantly have to play somewhere. This weekend I had a concert on Sunday, and then another one on Monday. Besides this I have school. What I am trying to say is that I am tired, no make that exhausted!

Yesterday someone was talking about the premiere to the Hobbit. I really wanted to go, but thought it was all sold out. It wasn’t. I got myself a ticket and went to the midnight-premiere. It was amazing!

I cannot say I relaxed very much, because so much happened in the movie, but I had a really good time and did something just for fun for the first time in a really long time.

Today, for various reasons, I did not have school, so I have been home the entire day. I have made gingerbread, danced around to goofy music, cleaned the apartment. (Which it really needed), and just relaxed. I have drunk more tea than I have the entire month put together, and painted small “nisser”.

An absolutely perfect day. I think I will make it the last week to Christmas-break after all.

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Happy Christmas every one!

music is better than sex!

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I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and I can’t deny the fact anymore. Music is better than an orgasm.

You know when you hear a really great song, and you can just listen to it over and over again? You can’t do that with sex can you? Over and over again without getting tired? About 20 times a day? Really? I can easily do that with songs, and I can get that feeling in my stomach and a chill down my back every time! Just like I cry during all of Titanic every time I watch it, or Dear John. Some songs are simply too perfect!

So here is a list of songs that I think is better than sex:

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again- Phantom of the Opera

O Children- Nick Cave

Hey You- Pink Floyd

Goodbye Blue Sky- Pink Floyd

Tears to shed- Corpse Bride

Fever- Peggy Lee

Secret Symphony- Katie Melua

Belfast- Katie Melua 

These Are the Days of Our Lives- Queen

Killer Queen- Queen

Mermaids- Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

A Window to the Past- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Swan Lake theme- Tchaikovsky

Poem- Fibich

A very long list, and I think I could have added over a 100 more, but I will not do that. Anyway, these songs and pieces are simply better than an orgasm, and for me there is no arguing at that point.

– So long!

Is music your life?

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Before I write this post, I will admit that I have no life at all, except being on the internet, listen to music an play music.

On the website Weheartit, I have seen so many text-pictures (Can I call them that?) that says my life is music. You have probably seen one of these too in your eternal travel through cyberspace.

I get a little curious when I see these pictures pop up everywhere. Maybe some of these people can become my best friend on the internet, so I click on their picture to see more of what they like; And I see this:

 And I faint!

I don’t someone like this to be my best friend!

So here is my point: What do these people really mean by; Music is my life!

Obviously, they listen to a lot of music, and they carry their Iphones around so they never need to be without it. The problem is that they don’t really listen to music, as I see it. Besides, I don’t really feel that listening to music makes it your life. People who listen a lot to music, usually have other interests too, like sports or art or math or buisness, or something along those lines. Which means, that music is not really their lives.

I can in all honesty say that music is my life. I don’t only listen to music I also play music, and just my little, bad guitar that my dad got me for Christmas. I play the violin, the piano and I sing, professionally. I get payed for what I do, and I haven’t even graduated highschool. No, I don’t have a weekly job as a musician, but it is my dream to do so. I want to finish musical highschool, go to the musical academy in Norway, Germany or in England, and my big dream in life is to play in London Philharmonic Orchestra, or become a great jazz-singer. Whatever comes first.  I practice the violin two hours a day, and I practice singing one hour a day, and the piano just come and goes, it’s not exactly my strongest suit, but I try. That makes three hours a day, and sometimes even more. This summer, my goal is to practice at least 24 hours a week, and so far it has been going great, because music simply is my life. If I don’t play, then I listen to music, or I listen to the pieces and songs I am practicing to get inspiration, and if I don’t do that, I write songs, or hang out on the internet. Still my social life is okay, and I spend a lot of time with friends and family, and I get good grades in school. It’s all about priority.

So that’s all I had to say for today. I hope I managed to maybe enlighten you,  or at least make you see this matter in an other perspective.

– So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good bye!