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A good girl

My whole life, I have lived in the shadow of someone else, because I have always thought that other people always deserve what I want. All my ambitions, dreams and hopes have probably been just as strong as other’s, but I simply didn’t think I deserved it as much as others did.

This is a very new discovery for me. I have been thinking about my audition in March at the Academy of Music in Oslo, and what I can change mentally to do my best. And then, it hit me like a rocket. I have never thought I deserved it. In my head there has always been someone who deserved it more. I have a friend who is two years older than me, and he also played the violin. He always played first violin, and I always second, even in the quartett we started together. I kept thinking that he deserved it more than I did because he practiced more, and he was older. When I started in highschool, (I think I have mentioned earlier that I went to a musical highschool where you learned different courses of music alongside the regular courses, but I say it again now to be sure.) he told me something I found very peculiar; “Now that you’re here, I have to practice twice as much to still be the best violinist in school.” What? He had always been the best of us, I was no threat to him. But throughout the year, I began to notice that I started to gain on him. He had a hard time improving his mistakes, and I was terrified of what he would think of me for being better than him. Would he hate me for it? Now he’s studying the viola instead, and has surpassed me again. He is very good, studying at the Conservatory of Music in Trondheim. I am very happy for him, but where does that leave me?

Now you probably think that I have a habit of comparing myself to everyone. That I search for the best ones, to compare myself to, and end up with a bad sense of self esteem in the process. And I do, it’s a really bad habit. I do compare myself to others a lot, but I don’t think I am the only one. I mean, we live in a world that is a uncompromising criticizer, and that continuously compare us to the best ones, it’s not absolutely absurd that I do the same.

My point is, last March I was at the audition to the Academy of Music in Oslo, and I didn’t get in, even though I was very close. It wasn’t because I didn’t practice enough, or because I was nervous. It was because, from June when I started to practice my repertoire, I didn’t think I deserved to get in. There were many applicants who were better than me, and who deserved it more.

It will be different this year. I am taking a year off to practice, to get into the Academy. I deserve to get in this year. I work hard. I take lessons with two teachers, and I have sessions with a tutor to advance in theory. I really do everything I can this year to get in. I read articles on practicing, I listen to a lot of music. I go to concerts with all the violinists worth seeing. I watch tons of masterclasses online, as well as musicians to inspire me. On pinterest I have a whole board dedicated to violin-practice. It’s my turn this year. I deserve to get in.

You probably think that I am a selfish and egocentric girl, or maybe I just imagine that you do. Maybe I am deep inside, but my whole lie I have made sure it doesn’t show. I have been the one who certainly can play second violin so others can show off on first violin. I was the one who gave the job of concertmaster to another girl, because she probably wanted it more than I. I never craved the soloist jobs, and I gave it up to someone else if I got it. I always tried to make others better instead of focusing in myself.

Now, I am working very hard to achieve my goals, and hard work should be paid, no matter who it concerns. I don’t see my self as an egocentric person, and the law of jante controls a lot of my decisions. but I am tired of it and I don’t want to let it control my any longer. It doesn’t exist for me anymore. When you deserve something, you should stick out your head and say it, because it is not garantueed that others see it.

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