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Category Archives: Thoughts

A good girl

My whole life, I have lived in the shadow of someone else, because I have always thought that other people always deserve what I want. All my ambitions, dreams and hopes have probably been just as strong as other’s, but I simply didn’t think I deserved it as much as others did.

This is a very new discovery for me. I have been thinking about my audition in March at the Academy of Music in Oslo, and what I can change mentally to do my best. And then, it hit me like a rocket. I have never thought I deserved it. In my head there has always been someone who deserved it more. I have a friend who is two years older than me, and he also played the violin. He always played first violin, and I always second, even in the quartett we started together. I kept thinking that he deserved it more than I did because he practiced more, and he was older. When I started in highschool, (I think I have mentioned earlier that I went to a musical highschool where you learned different courses of music alongside the regular courses, but I say it again now to be sure.) he told me something I found very peculiar; “Now that you’re here, I have to practice twice as much to still be the best violinist in school.” What? He had always been the best of us, I was no threat to him. But throughout the year, I began to notice that I started to gain on him. He had a hard time improving his mistakes, and I was terrified of what he would think of me for being better than him. Would he hate me for it? Now he’s studying the viola instead, and has surpassed me again. He is very good, studying at the Conservatory of Music in Trondheim. I am very happy for him, but where does that leave me?

Now you probably think that I have a habit of comparing myself to everyone. That I search for the best ones, to compare myself to, and end up with a bad sense of self esteem in the process. And I do, it’s a really bad habit. I do compare myself to others a lot, but I don’t think I am the only one. I mean, we live in a world that is a uncompromising criticizer, and that continuously compare us to the best ones, it’s not absolutely absurd that I do the same.

My point is, last March I was at the audition to the Academy of Music in Oslo, and I didn’t get in, even though I was very close. It wasn’t because I didn’t practice enough, or because I was nervous. It was because, from June when I started to practice my repertoire, I didn’t think I deserved to get in. There were many applicants who were better than me, and who deserved it more.

It will be different this year. I am taking a year off to practice, to get into the Academy. I deserve to get in this year. I work hard. I take lessons with two teachers, and I have sessions with a tutor to advance in theory. I really do everything I can this year to get in. I read articles on practicing, I listen to a lot of music. I go to concerts with all the violinists worth seeing. I watch tons of masterclasses online, as well as musicians to inspire me. On pinterest I have a whole board dedicated to violin-practice. It’s my turn this year. I deserve to get in.

You probably think that I am a selfish and egocentric girl, or maybe I just imagine that you do. Maybe I am deep inside, but my whole lie I have made sure it doesn’t show. I have been the one who certainly can play second violin so others can show off on first violin. I was the one who gave the job of concertmaster to another girl, because she probably wanted it more than I. I never craved the soloist jobs, and I gave it up to someone else if I got it. I always tried to make others better instead of focusing in myself.

Now, I am working very hard to achieve my goals, and hard work should be paid, no matter who it concerns. I don’t see my self as an egocentric person, and the law of jante controls a lot of my decisions. but I am tired of it and I don’t want to let it control my any longer. It doesn’t exist for me anymore. When you deserve something, you should stick out your head and say it, because it is not garantueed that others see it.

Frost2

What are really women?

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about men who, from my point of view, chose the wrong girls to go out with, and I thought it was because men has such a weird idea of what is sexy. Then, this masondan, whose blog you can find here, made a comment, that said:

“I think perhaps the distinction is not so much a matter of a woman being sexy, but a woman being beautiful. So many women these days do not represent beauty, their attitude, demeanor, speech, and even conduct and dress. These things are what attract men to women. It is a sad thing really. Hopefully that helps a bit. Take care.”

My question now, is; What happened? Why and when did women stop being beautiful? Or better: Why and when did men and women stop having the same idea of what beauty is? I don’t believe men was responsible for women starting to wear corsets in the 16th century. Yet, this uncomfortable and dangerous piece of clothing stuck around until the last century, and is still used by some women today, so it must have been good for something.

It seems to me that men and women stopped having the same idea of beauty when women started thinking for themselves. When my literature teacher in high school talked about how women started fighting for their rights, it’s always sounded like they suddenly, in the middle of 19th century started to think for themselves and have opinion about things, like they had never done it before. I hardly believe that’s the case, but that is not the point of this post. Have men and women always had different ideas of beauty, but women only started to show it a century ago, or did women change their minds sometime back in the days?

I also wonder whether there is a difference between the face and the body of women. I think that women with high cheekbones and big eyes are really beautiful, but that is only my opinion. Can a corpulent girl still have a beautiful face? Or is she just fat? Can one see behind her extra weight, and still see the beauty of her face if that’s the case? Or is it all about the body? If she is not skinny, no one bothers if her face is pretty? Or the other way around; If she is skinny and have good curves, it doesn’t matter if she’s not just as fortunate with her face?

Maybe, the definition of beauty does not lie in the appearance, but in the way we behave. Only the way a girl conduct herself, shows her beauty. Then, what is beauty? To be extrovert and outgoing, or is it to be quiet and introvert? A girl who can give a lot of compliments, or a girl who accepts compliments and criticism alike? Is it smart girl? Or a girl who can answer for herself in any situation, but is not necessarily very smart? If behaviour is the definition of beauty, then I don’t know how to find it.

I don’t have any answer to be honest. I can only say what I think is beautiful, and that doesn’t help much. I would appreciate it if you would make a little comment below of what you think is beautiful.

Morgendugg

Love, lot’s of it!