My throat tightens and my hands are sweating. There are only two more songs before I will stand up in front of everyone and play. The piece has gone on repeat in my head for the last week, but I still can’t get it right. There is one part in the last movement that simply won’t work.
The time arrives, and the other soloist and I stand up and take our places in front of the orchestra. Halfway through the second movement a thought hits me. Why am I doing this to myself? I love playing the violin, but I don’t like making a fool of myself in front three hundred people. I do it anyway, though.
What makes people do things they don’t want to?
My eyes flicker through the room and lands on the conductor; an amazing musician and a lovely person who has so much confidence in me. It’s for him I do it, to prove to him and myself that I can do it, even though I know I can’t. I want to show him that he can trust me, that I am worthy a high position in the orchestra.
I am the kind of person who expect a lot from myself, and when I don’t achieve my goals I get really frustrated and angry. No matter what people say, I am discontented, no one can change my mind. Somehow I still manage to let things go after a while, but it takes a while. My friends and family tell me not to have so high expectations, but how will I then achieve anything? It is the only way for me. If I don’t expect a lot, then I get very little. It is as simple as that.
So maybe, I shall start to prioritize instead. Some things are more important than others. I have to make myself a pause button that I can press now and then, and just let the world go on without me for a while.
This month I will hit my pause button and just live for a while. I am young, and I have my entire life ahead of me. I don’t have to achieve everything now.
Have a lovely autumn everyone!